Has your husband ever
disappointed you?
Oh, my dear friend, I know what
a silly question that is. Well, how about this: How recently has it been since your husband last disappointed you?
Well, not that long ago….
Unfortunately, I am too easily disappointed
by the man to whom I gave my heart. Holidays like Valentine’s Day can be effective
catalysts for feeling that our men have failed to do something for us… again. Why
do we struggle with this sense that everything is not the way it should be?
Selfishness
In our flesh, that is, before we
knew God and whenever we fail to rely on His Spirit, we are selfish. We really want to be loved, but we don’t want to
put in the effort to love. Fellow
wife, if you look at the advertisements and messages, Valentine’s Day is a
test, set up to see if our husbands love us in a very generic, spoon-fed way.
And we eat it up. And they often fail.
Many marriages—even solid,
Christian marriages!—are treated as a see-saw. One day, this marriage is 100%
about me, and the next day, it can be about you, and so forth. Some treat marriage as a continually 50/50 relationship. There is a term for only giving 50% all the time: half-hearted. If you "love" that way, someone needs to keep track of how much each is giving; and pretty soon, you have referees and scoreboards and off-side fights.
No, dear woman, God’s purpose for your marriage is so much holier than that. There is nothing in the Word of God that indicates that God set up marriage to
be a fair game! It is neither fair, nor a game. Marriage is a serious relationship created by God to portray the beauty of the gospel: Jesus' love for His Church, and the Church's adoration of Him. You
are called to give 100%—and so is your husband.
That’s right. The loved spouse
loves. The trusted spouse trusts. And the couple who competes—not to receive
the most, but to give the most—is a couple who radiates the glory of the
gospel. After all, Jesus gave His life for us when we were still His enemies.
The Expectation Test
As impressionable little girls,
I believe we each begin to develop our own idea of what Prince Charming should
be like. It is often a vague image, but by the time we are married, this shadow
is whispering in our ears each time we encounter our husbands: “He doesn’t
measure up.” Our expectations are often unspoken. In fact, they are usually so
suppressed that we ourselves don’t know what they are.
So, here’s an exercise for the
good of your heart. Take a pen and paper and consider what your expectations
are. Do you expect him to get you a bouquet of twelve pink roses for Valentine’s
Day? Do you daydream about him planning a surprise birthday party for you? Do
you plan on his giving you a new whatever
for Christmas, so you hold off on buying one for yourself? Do you expect him to
whisk you away for a just-because date on a weeknight? Write it all down.
Identify exactly what you feel is lacking so that you know why you are disappointed.
Once you have written down the
things you expect from him, review your list. What expectations are there that represent
a God-centered, healthy, and biblical marriage? Circle them.
Which expectations came into
being while watching someone else’s romantic relationship (such as your
parents, a couple you are friends with, or strangers in town)? Star them. Then
look closely at each one, asking, “Does this honestly fit my personality, my husband’s personality, our
financial situation, our relationship goals, etcetera?” If not, cross it off.
That’s right. You won’t be needing those expectations anymore. But if they pass
those tests and you honestly think they would be effective ways your husband
could communicate love to you, circle them.
Finally, which expectations echo
the scripted scenes in movies and shows? Which expectations were inspired by romance
novels? Which expectations embody the lyrics of radio love songs? Cross them
out. May I encourage you to not feed
on these things that engender such fantasies? Nothing will build unattainable, romantic
castles in your sky like this world’s choice media. Cross them out!
Probably, you have either
crossed out or circled every expectation on your list. (If there are a few
stragglers, filter through them as before.) The ones that are crossed out are
just that: crossed out! They are expectations not tailored to
your marriage. Your man. You. Your situation. And now that you have put words
to your vague feelings, you will be able to confront these false expectations
when they arise. It is not loving to expect your man to act in a way that some
invented character acted. Your man is the real deal.
Now take your list and show it
to your husband, as a gift to him. He can look at the crossed-out items and
know exactly what impossible, unhealthy standards you are not holding him to, and he will be encouraged.
And then he can look at the
circled items—the items that you deemed God-honoring and particularly tailored
to you and your husband—and he can have some good, practical ways to speak love
especially to you.
If you’re feeling brave, ask your
husband to do the same exercise, listing his expectations of you. Is there
conflict because he subconsciously wishes you would cook different kinds of
meals? Does he expect you to greet him like his mom used to greet his dad when
he came home? Clear the air between you. I think you will be surprised by what
you and your husband have always
expected from each other. And when he hands you his list, crossed and circled,
you can have your own playbook for treating your husband to his unique brand of
love.
When you have this conversation,
make sure you do it with a humble, gracious spirit. Look for your own flaws in
this, not your husbands. Let him look
for what he needs to change. After
all, you can only change you, through
the power of God’s Spirit. After all, do you know the first fruit on the Spirit’s
list that He longs to grow in you?
The greatest of these is love.
Gifts
Let’s be honest: Valentine’s Day
is made for women. There are not many men who would choose flowers, chocolate,
cards, stuffed animals, and pink. We enjoy getting gifts because it says that
our man was thinking about us in a special way that he doesn’t think about
anyone else; and he should! But this is about our hearts.
Did you ever consider that your
husband might be deeply touched if you got him a gift? Gift-giving is one of
the best ways to counter-act selfishness and destroy our false expectations.
This year, instead of “testing” him, to see if he actually remembers your
favorite kind of flowers or specific percentage of dark chocolate, you surprise him with a gift. Or two.
The Art of Giving a Gift
- Pay attention to what he likes. This takes more time than a day-before realization of what holiday or event is looming. Instead, develop a lifestyle of listening to what he talks about most, asking him questions about his dreams, noticing the online sites he frequents and the material he enjoys reading.
- Understand your man. Every man is different than another in individual desires and opinions. As his wife, it is your job to study your husband, learning what speaks love to him. For example, although my husband loves receiving gifts, he is also particular about what he wants. To him, a gift card is just as thoughtful (and less risky!) as the item he would buy with the card. Taking him on a date to a favorite store (and walking the aisles with him) is another gift that he appreciates, and these are things I had to slowly learn.
- Value his tastes. Most men love food, having fond memories of their mom whipping up something tasty in the kitchen. It’s no wonder that the sacrifice of time and cleanliness means so much to your husband when his own woman presents him with a delicious creation. I have found that, even if it’s not my choice, it truly speaks love to him when I whip up a batch of his favorite, just the way he likes it. And, yes, even if it was something his mother used to make; double bonus points when you hear “I think you make this better than my mom!” Now, my man would rather have savory than sweet, so I try to keep him well-stocked with summer sausage and make his top-three meals on a regular basis (thankfully, they’re not that difficult!).
- Consider consumables. Yes, food is a great gifts, but other things that he uses up frequently make good gifts, too. If you give him a consumable gift connected to his favorite hobby, it shows not only that you like him, but also that you have been paying attention to what he does and that you respect his choice of pastime.
- Just ask him. If you don’t know what to get him, please don’t give up! There is nothing wrong with asking your husband exactly what he would like. You may lose the element of surprise by asking him point-blank (if your man likes surprises—mine doesn’t, and that’s something I’ve had to learn), but at least you can get him something that you know he will like. Honestly, he will probably appreciate the fact that you are thinking of him.
- Practice. Don’t make gift-giving a one-time thing, or relegate it into a holiday-only hassle. The more you try, the better you will understand the man you love, and the more ideas you will gather as you watch his reactions and notice how he uses the gifts you have blessed him with.
Valentine’s Challenge
The flow of the world says that
it’s all about you. So, how are you going to go against the flow? How will you
make an effort this holiday, and the next, and the next, to give rather than
receive? Share a comment below about a gift that worked for your man, or a
method that you are committed to trying this time!
Blessings,
Abby
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